Squeezed on May 21st, 2013
Justin: everything is ok, i’m listening to leonard nimoy talk about bigfoot
Boonis; because “Bonus” isn’t fancy enough for Reed.
Squeezed on May 12th, 2013
Superman has taught us that when your purple explodes you spontaneously combust.
Squeezed on April 20th, 2013
Bacon deficiency is a real and terrible thing.
Squeezed on April 15th, 2013
Ribs are really just meat-on-the-cob.
Squeezed on March 26th, 2013
Things you shouldn’t have to tell your kid. (Overheard at Jack Astor’s)
“Don’t poke me in the eye with that.”
Mike while playing Borderlands 2: Beer goggles do not work on Ellie.
Squeezed on March 19th, 2013
If doing something poorly is referred to as half-assed, is doing it well whole-assed, or no-assed?
Squeezed on March 17th, 2013
Who uses chains decoratively? You’re like the Martha Stewart from Hell!
Squeezed on March 11th, 2013
Trish: that’s almost two kumquats!
also, limes and lemons are almost identical in size
class datetime.timedelta([days[, seconds[, microseconds[, milliseconds[, minutes[, hours[, weeks]]]]]]])
Go home Python, you’re drunk.
Squeezed on March 5th, 2013
Trish (reading): “Give your boobs some room.” Yeah, done that.
Reed: We have to build a whole room for your boobs? Isn’t that something the ancient Romans did? The Boobitorium?
Squeezed on February 25th, 2013
Commercial on Pandora reminds me to play mind-games on Lumosity.com. Lumosity scores indicate that I have difficult focusing… a fact I could derive from the fact that I neglected my work for 10 minutes due to a commercial 
Trish: 60040215006 is listed in the email as nurgle, but is actually slaanesh, and the code for slaanesh belongs to nurgle. then they have 60040115007 as both nurgle and slaanesh. pretty sure two products don’t share one code.
Mike: at least they’re not Tzeentch and Khorne…. those guys hate each other. They’d NEVER share a code!
Trish (pregnancy craving): I want freaking Chinese food again. Stupid body.
Reed: Are you sure it’s your stupid body and not just that you’re a Chinese Food addict?
Squeezed on February 20th, 2013
My mechanical pencil lied to me.
Titanic 2, inwhich Asylum films both Day-For-Night and Pool-For-Ocean at the same time.
Crazy bitch is recursive!
Apparently exploding random people isn’t the solution to crazy.
Squeezed on February 15th, 2013
If you’re wondering why my house smells like candles, it’s because wax paper isn’t a suitable replacement for parchment paper in the oven, and shut up.
Squeezed on February 14th, 2013
Mike: So I ordered a Zinger, she’s like “that’ll take 10 minutes, want a spicy big crunch instead?” “Sure” “That’ll take 6 minutes, want a classic sandwich instead?” …
Squeezed on February 5th, 2013
Mike: ”My biggest pet peave is a lack of grammer and/or spelling skills” … are you trying to be ironic? (browsing a dating site profile).
The Justin is the SI Unit for measuring Godzilla Fandom. If you’re asked “Which was your favourite Godzilla movie?” and you respond “the one with Matthew Broderick”, you rate zero Justins.